Pink Pillows and the Lure of Baywatch

Don't know why, but something has kicked of a period of the Pink Pillows.  I think it started to build up on Saturday, ramped up during Sunday afternoon, hitting a crescendo that night; keeping the sleep fairy away so making me tired and grumpy at work Monday morning.  Even picking up the iPad with the intention of brain dumping or just making some notes didn't help.

Even now, Tuesday evening, it's still tormenting me.  Last night I just had to don a beautiful sky blue maxi dress to suppress some of the comfortable beating.  It's a crazy mentality.  My PP moments are so frustrating, so distracting and so tormenting.  And yet it's a wonderful, comfortable place to be.

I have an hair appointment tomorrow night, so I hope to get a T-fix post-do. Not sure what I'll do, but it would be nice to get out.  The laser treatment is still affecting my skin so a trip out would most likely be in the diminishing light.

Anyway, I'm up north again next weekend, in Newcastle.  The ever wonderful Jo is soon to enter the domain of parenthood and we are hoping to send her off in style :-).

In other news.  Well it's not really news, but the phrase sounds good anyway.

A few of my work colleagues regularly head off for a boozy weekend in Butlins.  It's not something which appeals to me.   I like the guys, but having seen them under the influence, I think I would feel uncomfortable with them on a night out.

For the next trip, they are going out dressed as Baywatch lifeguards.  One of the group has had to drop out due to work, so the 'perpetrator' (for want of a better word) asked me if I wanted to come along.  Then he said "We need a Pamela Anderson".  Well, in my current state of PPness, I so dearly want to go as Pam, but I know that would mean that my little hobby would be exposed.  How can I go out dressed as a girl, but making a bad enough job to hide my T-side.  I just cannot do it!  I need to present as perfectly as I can so I would also need to take my makeup kit, hair stuff, jewellery, etc.  Best to politely refuse.  :-)

Pink Pillows

The term 'Pink Fog' gets used quite often when minds of the transgendered wander away into fantasies of their femme selves, edges blurred, flowers move aside gently from hairless legs, lingerie dripping off hangers, pleading to be caressed and worn close to the body.  Floaty dresses waft like welcoming ghosts towards the T-self, finally rising over the body and before drifting down for a perfect fit.


Well, that's how I imagine the Pink Fog to be for others.


To me, it's more like having a fight with very soft, but vicious Pink Pillows.   There's a few moments when I am aware of their presence.  A wave of softness building like a surfer's transport normally seen at the start of Hawaii 5-0.  And just like a wave, it usually dissipates it's energy, flowing away from me, leaving me enlightened, sometime slightly saddened, sometimes happy depending on location, time and mood.


Now and again, however, the wave hardens.  Takes form.  Co-ordinates it's actions.  And beats  away the male self, leaving the femme to come to the fore.  It's a wonderful feeling, but very painful.  Very rarely is there a good time for it to hit.  Trying to help a customer at work whilst remaining calm and coherent takes a concerted effort.  If a woman walks past me wearing killer shoes, I just want to go and rip them off her feet.


It never feels as if I'm being beaten in a single movement.  It's always from two or more sides. I try to move away, to hide.  But the Pink Pillows are there crashing into me.  Not hurting, but trapping.  With the attempts to escape come the pain.


Even just lying down, in bed or on the sofa, I start to enjoy it's warm, it's softness, before it then tears at my mind taking me away from him pushing me to her.  I can't lay down anymore, I need to stand up, move, do something.  Dressing can take away the fire but is usually not convenient.  So ten minutes of hard exercise quenches the fire, dampens the femme spirit.  Life begins to settle back into normality.


Occasionally I can enjoy it.  Sitting down on a cold winter's night.  Hot chocolate in hand.  Succumbing to the Pink Pillows, mind drifting off into another world, far away from the harshness of the physical environment, before being gently placed back down contented that it came and glad that it evaporated back into the ether once more.


However, out over the sea of lilac, there's another gentle swell and it's heading for the reef.