The lost unknown

I've been talking.  And writing.  However, not blogging.  I have been trying to make sense of this befuddling fog that has descended in front of my eyes.  I had an assessment with a counsellor but did not connect with her.  In fact, I came away from that meeting feeling worse than when I walked in.  With the advice of some very good, trusted friends, I sought out other counsellors.  The best advice I was given was to shop around. As with anything in this world, there are good counsellors and not so good.  After contacting a few and taking up initial consultations with a couple, I have decided on taking up a course with a counsellor I like and can trust.  At the moment, I still cannot see the direction in which I'm heading with this, but it feels positive and I'm sure the direction will materialise.

What hasn't help in my recovery is having a minor car accident a couple of weeks ago.  The driver of the other car decided that he did not want to stop at a crossroad junction.  I was driving the car, yet the motorcycle sixth senses kicked in.  My reactions were quick and my car control spot on with the avoiding swerve.  However, it was not enough and my car now sports some minor dents and coloured scratches along it's flanks.  It's now being processed by the insurance.  Yet, it has shaken me more than I'd ever thought.  Some sleepless nights.  Some tears.  Some drop in confidence.

I am finding bravery.  Occasionally too much bravery.  Working from home quite a bit at the moment, I like to keep a bit of girlness on me, which usually means painted nails.  Having my nails done one day, I wanted to have the clear polish with the iridescent sparkles but the bottle could not be found.  So I was persuaded to try a sparkly pink.  I wasn't too sure about wearing such a definite colour to work, but no one noticed (or at least no one commented).  It took bravery to keep the polish on but it worked.

The next brave step will be getting the hair coloured and to get a restyle.  I did consider going back to the bob, but thought I'd take the opportunity to try something different whilst the hair grows again.  With the assistance of my hairdresser, we are developing a new, edgier style similar to Frankie in the girl group, 'The Saturdays'.  Descriptively, it's an asymmetric, short style with a side parting combed across the head over, in my case, the left eye.  I still have a little way to go with the hair growth but in a few weeks, the hair will be coloured a nice chocolate brown with a few blonde and red highlights.  Although my hair was coloured before, it blended in with my natural colour so wasn't particularly noticeable.  This time it will be noticeable.

There's been a number of ups and downs over the last few weeks, so to get some feel good factor, one day last week I headed off to my favourite shop in Braintree for a couple of hours of retail therapy.  I had missed the big sales but after much searching of the racks, found a nice red dress and a pair of shoes to go with a dress I bought last year but never wore.  I also bought a couple of bras in another shop with lots of very generous advice and assistance from one of the shop staff.

Yet, in this expedition and previous outings this year, there has been something missing.  I initially thought that I wasn't finding anything I liked when wandering around the shops.  The couple of occasions I've been out dressed felt just normal.  Nothing more.  There has been no buzz, no thrill.  It hasn't felt special.  There is a deep want and need to dress and get out but if there's no buzz as the reward, then I may as well not put the effort in.  There is an element missing.  The 'unknown'.  The only way I can describe it is  that I think I have lost the passion.  The love of the thrill.

Whether this is a temporary loss or if it's a part of the mental recovery, I do not know.  It doesn't just affect the girl side either as there are a few other aspects of my life now that don't give me the buzz that I had before.  Maybe, as a good friend of mine told me, this could be the start of a whole new me  and I know need to find out who this new me is.

Now that's a scary thought.