I've finally finshed what I started.

It's been quite a while since I've written.  Again, not because there was nothing to say.  On the contrary, there's been plenty going on.  I have been unable to record it because of the written words have not flowed freely.  Checking the creation date of the draft of this prose, I have been writing this for 3 months!!

So what's occurring?

In April, we had a Leeds Last Friday night out as opposed to the regular Leeds First Friday night.  This was my first time out as Tanya since the fall.  With the body waxed and the hair done, I was ready to go but didn't feel comfortable being completely out as Tanya.  So I just took the kit for the night out.

It was a great night.  Much quieter than the regular outing but felt more open; less contained.  Must admit that I didn't feel the thrill or buzz that night.  Was just me.  But a little bit more glammed.  Despite the premier showing of a new Karen Millen dress....

I do regret not taking any day clothes.  The other girls wanted to hit the town and have lunch the following day, but I didn't bring any day clothes so went with them as him.  Bit weird really as I'm usually the one who spends all the time there in girl mode while the others revert!

The counselling....  Hmm....  For the most part it was good.  Once I worked out, with the help of the counsellor, that I would not notice any distinct changes.  She helped me take my mind away from finding logical, hard answers to finding my instinctive, more  emotional side of me.  Yet I still didn't find the answers to the conundrums that disturbed me.  For instance, why did I survive that fall and what do I do now?

What came out of the sessions was enlightening and at the same time disturbing.  The focus the counsellor wanted to bring across was to get the many different aspect of me (runner, worker, Tanya, son, etc) into a single entity.  This process was happening.  Yet it became apparent that the Tanya side of this life was more important than I viewed and expected.

For the last two sessions I went as Tanya.  To let her see first hand some of the things I spoke about but also to experience the session as Tanya and note any differences.  I'm not going to go into it further as it's too personal for this blog.  However, the experience was so dramatic, I experienced a few nightmares in the following week.  As Nick Ross use to say at the end of Crimewatch, don't have nightmares.  And I never do.  But these were quite particular.  Like most dreams I cannot describe the whole thing, but they ended with me having boobs, long hair, soft skin and full hips and rear.  I found this a little disconcerting and uncomfortable.  However the really scary part was knowing I was going to have surgery.  Although I am finding the girl side to be stronger than I imagined, I know from these nightmares that transition is not for me.

Maybe because of the counselling, I have made a conscience decision to be more open with the whole me.  I'm trying to keep it contained and under control, but I feel inside as if I want to shout, scream and let it all out.  I have now told a few more of his friends and have even gone out shopping with a very good, supportive friend as Tanya.  The next decision is whether to open up to the family.  I'm quite concerned that as I open up, hints will filter through to my brother via Facebook and if anything else does happen  to me, I don't want the family to face any major surprises.  I don't have a wife, girlfriend or kids.  So I can be as open as I want as my family isn't around me all the time, but I think that could make a surprise like this all the more dramatic (or even traumatic) for them if they stumble upon it.

Otherwise I'm doing OK.  Physically, I'm slowly getting back to fitness and as I get fitter, my recovery time shortens and I can get back to exercise sooner, get fitter, recovery shortening, etc…. The neck movement is still limited, but the actual movement is now smoother, more controlled.  The only major physical problem I have now is with my right foot.  It suffered a great deal of soft tissue damage in the fall.  When I started running on it again, it wasn't too bad, but I think I may have pushed it a little too hard at one point and now I'm getting a few niggles in the foot, due to the ligaments and tendons not being as free as they were.

Mentally, it's a different story.  Apart from the girl stuff described above, I'm still finding life difficult.  However, there is slight improvement and despite many up and down times, it is generally on an upward trend.  The cloudy confusion I have been fighting through is dissipating slowly.  It does come back with a bang now and again especially when I'm tired.  Talking of tiredness, I'm back at work more regularly and for longer now.  I've been working full-time (no, no. Not THAT full-time :-) ) since the beginning of the year, spilt between being on site and working from home.  I'm not sure if it's down to the early hours start, but a couple of months ago I started to get a fatigue that is quite overwhelming at times.  I didn't get it before; it virtually started overnight.  Even that is fading slowly over time.

However, I have concerns about my future.  What lays ahead but more importantly what do I want to do.  Before the fall, I was driven to just keep being busy and doing whatever I wanted.  Although I see now that it was just for the thrill or the buzz of it at the time.  Mountain running, motorcycling, work, dressing up or down, keeping fit, living in part as a woman, whatever.  There was no point to any activity except to amuse me.  Now I'm unsure if I've worded that in the manner it was meant, but I feel now that I should have a purpose to practicing life events, rather than just do them.

After a major life event like the one I've experienced, especially being laid up with little to do for some time, retrospection happens.  When I look back over my life, I have done everything I've wanted to do.  Anything I have been tempted to try, I've tried.  Some I liked.  Some I disliked.  Some just registered OK.  So when I look ahead, all I can see is a large, white wall.  And I greatly feel that I should be writing something on it but I just do not know what to write.  No ideas, no thoughts, no comments, no doodling.

A comment was made on a comedy show the other day, from a daughter to her 'useless' dad.  "You're just filling time" she shouted at him.  That comment hit hard.  I'm not useless but I do feel that I'm moving through life without a purpose; without a grounding.  Just filling time.  This wasn't something that I'd considered before the tumble as I was fit and active and kept myself busy.  Now I'm thinking what is the point of being busy again.  I'm not suicidal.  I have considered it, thought about it and looked at the scenarios and outcomes.  I've mentioned before that I have this 'brave' wanting in which I feel almost invincible and need to do something dangerous just for the hell of it.  A number of times this year, I've noticed a truck driving over the speed limit on the road towards me, and have felt a great compulsion to throw myself off the pavement into it's path.  Obviously, I've never taken that opportunity.  Nor even come close to it.  However, I am quite prepared that if a moment presented itself (like a car or motorcycle crash, another major fall), I will not fight death but accept it as a happy, satisfied gesture.  Like closing a book.

I was going to call time on this blog.  I just can't seem to form cohesive passages that are worthy of blogging, despite doing this for myself rather than thinking anyone is going to read this.  However, an event this week has changed my thinking a bit and I guess I will blog about it later.  The ripples from the event are still passing through my head.  It has made me a little happier and more relaxed with life although the writings above are still true.  Let's see what happens…..