Behind the painted smile......

After having a fantastic time at the first Nottingham Invasion, I was very tempted to visit again in January.  However, having had a very busy December, I really needed to back out and have some quiet few weeks.  I should have ignored Facebook and just carried on with the drab (but never boring) life.

Keeping an eye on the Invasion group, I could not resist joining in especially when Sue and Tiff were making an effort to be there, so booked up a room at the New Gables.

All was fine on the lead up to the week of the event.  Then on Tuesday, I started to get a few wobbles.  Nothing rational.  Just didn't feel like going.  Wednesday, my stomach was a little upset and I was getting a few twinges in my neck and shoulders.  I put it down to a busy time at work.  I managed to avoid taking advantage of the 48 hour cancellation notice, convincing myself that all would be fine.  I needed to prepare for the weekend, but kept putting it off by reading or playing computer games (not something I tend not to do).  By Friday morning, I had changed my mind a number of times and was very indecisive with what I was going to wear and pack.  Also, I wasn't keeping much food down and was ill a few times that day.  By now I knew it wasn't a bug but nerves.  I usually get the same feelings before a major competition.  Once I'm competing, the nerves drop away and I'm fine.  Although usually by then dehydrated and lacking energy.  With that in mind, I focussed on getting through the day, ready for the journey north.

I left work early, initially planning to get to the hotel for 5pm, but hoping for 4:30.  This gal has a lot of work to get ready and two hours prep just ain't enough.  I should have taken the A1 but opted for the M1 instead, knowing it may get a bit slow near Notts, but expecting an easier run in the southern counties.  How wrong I was!  Arrived at the New Gables, stressed, flustered, rushed. 

Sat on the bed, I just didn't want to do it.  I shut my eyes for a few minutes and just thought about going in guy mode.  It wouldn't bother me too much and I knew it wouldn't bother the other either.  But they were making quite an effort to get glammed up, some travelling long distances too.  I just couldn't do that to them.  Every last one of the girls I've met have been fantastic.  It would be like turning up to a friend's evening meal with a bottle of water, rather than wine.  I put my head together and concentrated on getting ready.  The hair was styled in haste.  I knew it wasn't right as I should have taken time blow drying it.  I tried a slightly different look with the eye makeup too.  Which seemed to come out OK in the mirror.  New dress, new shoes, new bag and new jewellery and off I went to meet the others downstairs.

As expected, once downstairs the nerves dissipated.  It was great to meet Maddy, Jo, Sue and Chrystal again.  Another great night out was on the cards.  Sam had approached the manager of Oceana, a 'straight' club, and received a positive response for our visit.  I still wasn't feeling right about myself.  I felt self-contained, not feeling freely sociable.  Also I felt self conscience about my presentation and the surroundings.  It wasn't uncomfortable, just felt out of place.  This was exasperated when in the loos of Oceana I checked my makeup and saw a panda looking back.  I was after a distinct but subtle form of the eyes but it was too late to fix.

The rest of the night went well.  OK, didn't get to dance as much as I wanted, but had a good few chats and really enjoyed the event once again.  Getting back to the hotel, I was quite happy to remove the garb which is a rare feeling.

After a brief sleep, breakfast and saying goodbyes to Maddy and Jo, I sorted myself out to make for home.  Driving into the city, I felt that I wasn't fully fit for driving, so stopped off for a walk around.  For the first time, that weekend, I felt OK.  I seemed to fit in, blend with the crowds and even had the confidence to ask for help in a few shops.  After a couple of hours exploring the city, I took a scenic route via Melton Mowbray back south.  During a quick stop in Oakham, I was caught in a shower without an umbrella.  I rushed back to the car but the hair was reverting back to it's natural state.  Self consciences hit again.  The feeling of belonging in Nottingham immediately turned to alienation.  Getting back to Essex, I needed to do some food shopping.  Covering up the hair with a woolly beret, I tried to blend into the other shoppers, but felt as if every eye was on me, every utterance talking about me.

The following day, I realised I should never have gone.  I should have listened to my emotions.  As an athlete I listen to my body.  If it says not today, I don't push it.  My internal feelings were ignored.  And now in the aftermath, I look at the Facebook statuses and photos and find I can't look at myself.  It's making feel uncomfortable about myself.  Hopefully this will pass and part of the reason of writing this, is that it will help me get over these issues.

I will consider taking a break from the T-world for a while.  Maybe in hindsight having a quiet January was a sensible idea after all.