T and Cake

It's like your favourite cake.  You've been eating it for years and enjoyed every last crumb.  It's not eaten every night or even every week.  Just now and again when you want to feel a bit special.  You know it's a bit naughty, lots of yummy goodness that may not suit the body, but it certainly works well to please the mind.  It's so special that you save a few in the larder for when you next fancy a nibble.

Then one day, you open the cake larder to have a treat.  Nothing.  Yes, there's cake but there's no want.  You don't feel sick or greedy or hungry or desire.  Just ambivalent.  It could be just a piece of tarmac.  The only person interested in it would be a mastic asphalt spreader.

It's a rubbish analogy, but I think it somewhat conveys how I feel about dressing at the moment.  I have my third laser hair treatment appointment tomorrow.  I thought yesterday it would be a good opportunity to go into London as Tanya, have the treatment, then have a wander round town.  I know Sue Richmond has organised a lunch tomorrow in the city, but the appointment clashes, and I also feel I need to find the connection with theT-side again solo.  It's the environment I know best.

So after the gym tonight before getting a shower, I opened the wardrobe to get the hair dryer and straighteners out, found the hair dryer and……  closed the doors again.  Didn't want to do it.  There was something about holding the hair dryer which didn't click with the head.  So that's that….

I felt the same after having the hair done this week.  The hairdresser worked his magic, even said he weaved the colour like he had never weaved colour before.  The finished style and colour looked fantastic.  Yet, I didn't feel the vibe.  It was straightened, coloured hair, styled into an inverted bob, and that was it.  Ambivalence.  I had a hope of getting out for a Lakeside shopping trip.  I just wasn't in the mood and as it was 7:30 when I left (I arrived at 5pm!) time was going to be tight anyway.  I even had thoughts of working from home the next day to make the most of it, but felt quite happy to literally wash the T out of my hair the next morning.

The waxing session last week actually went quite well.  The girl who I normally see was on holiday so the owner was helping out with assistance from the manager and we just had such a laugh.  The owner is quite inexperienced so needed some hand-holding and words of confidence to do the wax-on / rip-off actions.  At one moment, I had to have a couple of minutes to recompose myself, I was laughing so much.  I wouldn't have thought ripping out body hair was so much fun!!

Also had mixed feelings when viewing the photos and reading the reports and comments from the Nottingham Invasion last week.  I so missed being there, meeting with friends and just having a good time.  But on the other hand, I am comfortable knowing that I would still not have felt right attending as Tanya.   Even less in male mode.  It's great to know the event is finding it's feet and it looks like it could be developing into one of the best regular trans nights out in the country.

However, I still have the running to get on with.  It, also, is not going as well as I would like but I have some targets to focus on over the next couple of months and I know that there is light and enlightenment at the end of the tunnel.