Toon; Up, Doon and Oot...

I am really getting pissed off right now.  I can't get any peace and quiet when I'm inspired to write, think, contemplate.  I'm always getting disturbed.  I feel that I get in the zone.  The time has come.  Then there's a knock on the door, my dad walks in and asks if I want anything.

You see, I having to stay with my parents for a while.   Not entirely wilfully.

Let's rewind a bit.  Back to June 2012.  (This diatribe may be a little long, so I suggest, dear reader, that you may want to grab a cuppa or a tipple of your choice.)

We had been talking about a girly night out in Newcastle for quite a while.  We had heard good things from other girls, Chrystal was from the area and a couple of us (OK may have just been me!) were tempted to go there and dress locally.  That is, as skimpily as possible when the weather is as cold as possible!! :-)

As things happened, the fabulous Jo was heading for impending parenthood which would naturally mean a reduction in T-time.  So as a celebration and a sort of send off, we planned a Friday night out in Newcastle.

Coincidently, some friends had planned a multi day run in the Lake District that weekend and asked if I wanted to join them.  So I had a brilliant long weekend lined up.  Bit of glam to kick it off in the North East and then a few days being wet, mucky and knackered in the North West!!

The prep went quite well.  Had a full body wax on the Wednesday and as I am considering to always present as Tanya in certain arenas, I made the effort to girl-up for the salon.  It was worth it.  I wanted to push the envelope a little more and asked for another thinning out of the brows which meant a slight change of shape too.  It may have been a little more daring but no one noticed at work the next day.

As I had Friday off and intended to travel north in girl mode, I took the opportunity to get the nails done on the Thursday evening.  I couldn't book into my usual salon so had to use another one in the area.  I booked in as him, but I planned to turn up as Tanya if I had time.

I was unable to get out of work early, so by the time I arrived home, the transformation window looked a little tight but I decided to go for it anyway.  Quick shower, blasted the hair with hot air and applied the mantra of less haste, more speed to the straighteners.  Quick face, simple outfit and few twirls, Tanya was ready.  In an hour and 10 minutes.  New record by quite some margin.

The nail appointment went well.  Despite the change in perceived presentation, I was accepted and treated well.  We had a long discussion about what colours as I wanted something which went with any colour outfit.  Eventually we (it was a joint decision!) settled on a light coral pink.  They also had a bargain sale on gel finishes which would last for about three weeks and a discounted colour change if I wanted it.  It was so tempting but there's no way I could wear coloured nails in non-girl mode, especially at work!!  The treatment was way more expensive (nearly twice the price) of my usual salon, so I doubt I'll do a return visit soon.

On my return home, I should have completed the packing for both the boy and girl stuff.  The boy stuff came together very easily but when it came to the girl stuff, nothing happened, despite the need to get stuff done.  From conversation on Facebook, I now know this is called clat.  Thanks to the ever eloquent  Ms Lynn Jones, clat can be defined as "To find a task irksome and/or difficult to complete".  So it's like an unpleasant aspect of faffing.

The next morning, the clat had faded away, so after doing my face, hair and dressing in something comfortable for the journey, I finally packed the case (of all things a large pink case borrowed from a friend's wife).  Car loaded up, I headed north.

Had to stop at Blyth services on the A1 for a comfort break.  I've been to Blyth many times to use the ladies, but on this day the place was packed and because of the warm humid weather, the hair was a mess.  Of course, there was a long queue for the ladies.  Now, I don't mind queuing, but women like to chat and with children about too, I find it a little imposing if I'm brought into a conversation in that arena.  Luckily the queue diminished quite quickly and I was soon back on the road.

By the time I reached Newcastle, the weather was wet (ooh, surprise!!) and the traffic heavy.  I found the hotel easily enough, grabbed (OK, heaved out) the case and entered.  Again, although I had booked in as him, I was presented at Tanya when I turned up.  No questioning, no raised eyebrows, no problem.

After a quick tea and unpacking, I headed off into the city to have a nose about and a stretch of legs.  I was also getting short of my favourite Mac Studio Fix fluid so took the opportunity to pop over to the Mac counter in Fenwicks.  Walking back to the hotel, it started to lightly drizzle.  I could almost feel the straightness leaving the hair as it returned to it's natural, curly self.

Back at the hotel, it was time for getting ready to go out.  Chrystal, Jo and myself were to get some food first before hitting the pubs and clubs.  So I dressed fairly conservatively, intending to pop back down the road for a quick Wonder Woman change later.

We ate at an Italian in Jesmond about 200 yards from my hotel.  Very good food and atmosphere.  After eating, I borrowed Chrystal's dodgy umbrella to protect the coiffure from the rain whilst Chrystal and Jo tottered up the road to a pub.  I changed into my 'Storm-On-A-Dress', touching up the makeup and replacing the sensible ankle boots with a pair of non-sensible heels.  The dress pattern was quite apt as the rain was bucketing down on my return walk.  It was great to watch other girls all done up for a night out, having fun, music blasting out from their houses and then rushing across wet pavements in their heels to get to the waiting taxis.

Chrystal had picked a very nice pub to meet up again.  Jo went to the bar for drinks and came back with two rounds.  Seems that she was offered to push a button on the bar and won another round.  Good start to the night and very difficult to turn down a free round!  Maddy and Gayna had called to tell us they were already living it up in the pink triangle so, drinks downed, we grabbed a taxi and headed off to find them.

From now on this recall is going to get a little vague.  Due to alcohol induced lack of memory at the time.

Before heading off to the Life centre, Jo and Chrystal took the chance to freshen up and like me go for a Wonder Woman moment as their accommodation was very near.  Chrystal made us crack up with laughter as she found herself lost looking for her room in a simple hotel corridor :-).

We caught up with Maddy and Gayna at Rusty's bar.  They were chatting with a small group of girls.  The bar had a Drag-DJ doing her stuff on a high theatrical stage which ended up with a number of people getting up and sing and dancing to the songs.  Very entertaining, not just because of watching the comically bad dancers, but also because of a few fantastically good dancers.  They could not have practiced together but they knew the nuances of the routines.

After Rusty's we wandered across the yard to another bar.  This was quite small and cosy.  Again there was a Drag-DJ who had a drag-a-oke going but we couldn't convince Karaoke Queen, Maddy, to give it a go.  Maybe Newcastle isn't ready for the aural pain yet. :-)

By this time I had drunk enough vodka to not worry about the hair.  Although the rain had stopped when we hit the town, the environs were still wet and the air warm.  From the views in photos and mirrors, the straightening was reverting back to curls.

Chrystal was chatting to a small group about other venues in the area.  I'm so glad she did as in my slightly inebriated state, I was finding it difficult to understand the locals and I didn't know the area at all.  Another totter about in the damp air of the night, we entered a bar.  It was here that I realised there wasn't the number of people about I expected or hoped for.  Think it was because of the heavy rain and that the universities were on their summer break.  Apart from the drag DJs, I don't think I noticed any other T folk outside of our group.  Maybe my T-radar was broke.  Or rain-soaked!

After a few drinks and a bit of dancing, it was announced that there were some discount wristbands available for the Powerhouse club.  Too tempting for a welsh tranny.   Love a bit of discount, me.

I wasn't particularly impressed by the Powerhouse.  Thought it a bit grubby. Both in terms of interior, cost and clientele.  It wasn't run down, just seemed to have been done on the cheap sometime about 20 years ago and not well maintained since.  Seemed jazzy at first glance but disappointing in detail.  The cost despite discount, still was about a fiver and the drinks weren't that cheap either.  Compared to other venues which usually have deals on.  We also seemed to attract quite a bit of drunken attention too.  One ape jumped onto our table, toppled over my bottle and spilled my drink over my dress!!  OK, we get attention sometimes but this seemed to be a bit more in-your-face in my view.  Balancing this we did meet some great people there too.

The club closed at four so we were bundled out into the street to a line of awaiting taxis.  As the rest of the gang were staying nearby, I said my goodbyes and found my chauffeur to Jesmond.

In all, a cracking night out.  Great send off for Jo, on her merry way to parenthood...... :-)

After stripping off the happy warpaint, I think I hit the pillow about 5.  Not bad going.  Following a very brief sleep, I was back up and at'em again at 8:30!.  Quick re-touch of hair and a whizz around with pencils and mascara (no foundation except a dust of powder!!), then down for breakfast.  The room was very busy but no-one paid any attention to me except for a couple of girls out of a group on the central table.  I think they were on a hen weekend.  They just smiled on eye contact.  I smiled back.

Breakfast done, it was back upstairs to bed to catchup on much needed sleep.  ZZZZzzzzzz...

Of course, I didn't want to waste all day in bed.  The sun was out and I still hadn't reached into Newcastle yet.  After a few hours, I was up again, showered and for the fourth day in a row, the hair was blown dry and straightened.  Although it is a lot of work to get the hair styled and usually takes about 40 to 50 minutes of work, I was quite enjoying the effort (or should I say faff) and it gave me a good insight about what it would be like if I wanted to present as Tanya over a considerable time.

Suitably dressed, I headed out of the hotel about 1pm and wandered into town.  The shopping area was very busy and for some reason I didn't feel comfortable there.  I headed down to the Quayside as one place I promised myself to visit was the Baltic centre.  I hadn't realised there was such a long downhill walk to the Quayside.  And in heels with battered feet from the night before, it would have been a good candidate for a challenge in Brucie's 'You Bet'!  Also the walk down showed that there are quite a number of bars, clubs and restaurants around that area.

Reaching the river, I was taking in the view of the bridges when I heard a call from behind.  I turned, and noticed a lady beckoning me over to a minibus full of people.  It seemed that they were lost and needed to get to Newcastle University.  I had a map of the city in my bag and so directed them on their way.  It took some time to help them and I was pleasantly surprised that no-one raised an eyebrow.

I liked the Quayside.  They even had a beach with palm trees!!  OK, the 'beach' was just a sand pit, but in the sun, it looked great.  There were great views of the Tyne bridges and a short, enjoyable walk over the Spectacle bridge.  There were number of bars and coffee shops about too, but I wasn't thirsty or needing caffeine.  The only disappointing aspect was the Baltic.  There was one installation at the bottom, but the other two galleries were still being setup.  It was a pity they hadn't put up a notice in the entrance as I only found out when I went up to the galleries.

I was beginning to feel very weary again so headed back to the hotel.  I grabbed some food to eat for later as although I wasn't feeling hungry, I hadn't eaten since breakfast.  After a quick wash, I hit the bed.

The following day I was going to be heading over the northern Pennines to the Lake District, so when I awoke that morning, it was back to boy mode.  Remnants of eye makeup removed and finger nail varnish lifted, time for yet another shower to wash the girl away and let the hair return to it's natural curly self.  I took my usual breakfast table in the corner looking out over the room.  No-one noticed the change except a couple of the girls who were sitting on the central table the previous morning, took a second or even third glance at me as they walked through to the other room.  Breakfast finished, I packed the car and returned to pay.  The lady owner was again very pleasant and asked if I enjoyed the stay and had a good night out.  She just accepted who I was despite that I was now in boy mode.  Highly recommended for Newcastle accommodation.

Finished your cuppa yet?  May be time to have a quick break and go and get another.  Although not far to read now and it gets more dramatic!!

Had a great drive across to the western side of the country.  I hadn't visited that area of the country before.  Bleak, but also beautiful.

Arrived in the central Lakes.  I could almost call it my second home now.  First job was to get some food and run a few errands.  Once done I changed and went out for a run over my favourite hill for a couple of hours.  It was great to get out on the fells again.  Especially the ones I know so well and love so much.  Back at the car I cleaned up and changed before heading off to Keswick to meet my friends.

The next morning we started our run.  I can't remember why now but I wasn't feeling fully fit.  I think I had a twingy muscle or something.  So I elected to do parts of the route but not the whole route and then meet up with the others at different stages along the way.

We left early on the Monday morning to tackle the first three of the many Wainwright peaks for that day.

Getting to the top of the last peak, there was quite a heavy dew which made the ground quite wet.  The group leader decided to take the more direct route off the top, which I wasn't comfortable with as the descent is known to be tricky in the wet.  However, the rest of the group were happy so we started the descent.  The path down was indeed very tricky.  At some point we came off path, but as we are all very experienced in the mountains, it wasn't a big deal.  We were not far from the end of the valley and getting on to the road anyway.

The last thing I remember was looking at different options in order to jump over a stream.  It seems that a little further on, I fell about 60ft down a bouldered scree slope.  The mountain rescue team were called out and I was anaesthetised and air-lifted to hospital.

I awoke sometime on the following Wednesday.  I cannot remember anything about the fall itself.  I felt tired and confused but otherwise OK.  Then I realised that my lower left leg was in plaster and I had some framework around my head so I couldn't move my neck.  I then knew that I had suffered some physical injuries.  When the nurse later told me I was in Newcastle hospital, I jokingly remarked to myself that it must have been a cracking night out on Friday to end up back in Newcastle hospital!  Then I knew my mind was OK too!!

Apart from the obvious bruises, cuts and stitches, I had broken a vertebra in my neck, had fractured back vertebra, fractured skull and a broken foot.  I was lucky.  But because I am reasonably fit, I think I bounced well…

My car had been impounded by the Cumbrian police.  One of the nurses approached me and asked if we could talk in confidence.  I had only recently left intensive care and I was still a bit out of the world from the drugs that the medics had given me over the last 36 hours and the trauma itself.  A sergeant had checked my car out and had noted my girl kit and checked my iPad as part of the usual police investigation.  The nurse explained that as my parents were due to see me in hospital and to avoid any unnecessary potential embarrassment, the sergeant was going to keep hold of my girl case when the rest of my belongings including my car were released to my parents.  Also he had removed some obvious photos from my iPad (I had the originals on my computer).  The nurse also removed the nail polish from my toes.  Well, apart from a very small strip on one of my big toes!

Both the Cumbrian police and the nursing staff in Newcastle have been fantastic with regard to my T-side.

After 3 weeks in Newcastle hospital, I was transferred to Taunton hospital, before being discharged into my parent's care.

So that's where I am now.  Been here for about six weeks, and have a couple of weeks to go before the Halo system which holds my shoulders, neck and head together can be removed.  My parent's have been great, but as an independent person, who enjoys their freedom, it has been very frustrating for me too.

So where does this leave me with regard to Tanya?

Well, compared to previous spells when I've lost the mojo, this is an unenforced long break in the T-time.  Something which I have not experienced before.  Yes, there have been numerous occasions when normal life has stood in the way, but I have usually found some small window of opportunity to get a fix, however minor.

My body and mind has experienced major trauma.  During my time in the hospital, my affinity for my T-side was zero.  I still had the history of a great weekend in Newcastle, but my feelings were blank.  Wearing this Halo device, I was unable to see anything or feel anything of the girl.  Especially over the time spent there, considering I was unable to wash myself fully, shaving was difficult and at hospital, I could not wash my hair.

I am almost getting back to reality.  The cast is off my foot.  I am able to walk properly now.  The scars on my legs and head are healing.  I still have the Halo on while my neck vertebra heals.  I still don't have any want to get glammed up.  It just doesn't seem to be something I have any deep desire to do.  Tanya isn't me.  Tanya was someone else.  Like a very distant dream.  However, I miss the craic.  I miss the occasion.  I miss having a fabulous night stumbling through until silly o'clock in the early hours.  I miss my friends, old, current and new ones yet to meet.

Although the T-force is not great in me (<Yoda mode> or; in me, not great is the T-force </Ym>), I still get the occasional bout of Pink Pillows.  I have also noticed I do get very emotional since the fall.  The Olympics had me in tears everytime a medallist cried on the podium.  Now with the Paralympics on the floodgates will be opening again.

The other influence in which the girl side feels like a dream is that I lost my phone and camera in the fall.  Apart from not being able to get my old texts, I am not too worried about the phone.  However, because the camera had photos from the girly weekend and from the Lake District run, up to the point I fell, I do feel there is part of my life missing which some of the images on the camera can fill in.  I am thinking about going back to search for it when I'm healthy again, but I doubt whether I'll find it again.

Until the Halo comes off and the rehab of the neck begins, I am not expecting anything of my girl self.  It may come back as it was before.  It may not.  I would normally keep up a base level of preparation ready for the transformation.  I feel that it is part of me now to maintain a ready standard.  Looking after my skin;regular waxing of legs, chest, eyebrows and back; regular visits to the hairdressers to maintain the style and top-up the colour; regularly wearing studs to keep the ear piercings open.  I have not been able to do this for nearly three months.  Although I have checked that the piercings are still open :-)

One of my first intentions when returning home to Essex will be to get a full body wax, maybe a good facial and have the hair done.  As it's likely I'll have to work at home for a short time too, I may try and fit in some girl time to see how I feel.

There are other thought's bumping through my mind about where I am with this.  I'll have to see how things go and post an update in the future once the thoughts come into some semblance.

One very amusing anecdote was that when, Deb, one of my running friends, who knows about my glam side, heard about my fall, sent me a text hoping that I hadn't slipped over my kitten heels on the Friday night!!  When she told me about the text, I then remembered that a red scar on my unbroken right foot didn't come from the fall, but from a strap on one of my heels rubbing on the Friday night! :-)

I have to apologise for the length of this blog entry.  It's taken me over two months to write due to the recuperation, time spent in hospital and getting my life back together.  It has also been very therapeutic.  Writing numerous emails to friends, colleagues and acquaintances about what happened and my situation regarding the tumble was one thing.  This has been the first time I could write fully about my time as Tanya that weekend.  It now feels that I can close this chapter and move on.

Thank you for reading.