Negotiating the Stares

I like move around in public unnoticed.  Just be at one with the world, not interact with anyone or anything.  Just observe, listen, take in the environment.  Absorb it, maybe analyse it, usually enjoy it.  Anonymously as I can.

As you may have read, for the past 12 weeks I have had to wear a Halo vest so that my broken neck is given a chance to repair.  It consists of a two piece hard, thick plastic jacket, lined with sheepskin, to which four metal tubes are attached which then attach to a curved bar that is screwed to my head by threaded pins.  I now have to wear this device for at least another 4 weeks as the main fracture has not repaired.

Obviously I need to go out of the house at times, whether it's to the hospital, do some shopping or just out for a fitness walk.  So to be a little more presentable and to an extent, disguise the framework around my neck and head, I wear an oversized shirt.  But this still can't hide the framework around my head.

So despite wanting to blend into a public world now, I'm standing out.  As a guy!!  I may as well be wandering around in my undies!!

And this scenario has struck me that there are quite a number of similarities with my T-world.  When I'm out in public, dressed as a woman.

You see, although I usually 'get away with it' when trying to blend into the public sphere, I do get spotted.  Sometimes, if I'm not fully of the T-mindset, I'm spotted quite often.  The signs that the spotters show can be quite obvious to me.

The Halo vest I'm currently wearing.
The Halo bit is the black,  curved bar and that's the bit attached to my head!

Wearing this Halo, it's usually the children who stare at me.  And stare.  And stare.  Sometimes to the point that their parents will bring them into line and very occasionally they'll comically trip up over themselves!  Adults spot me, take a second or third glance and that's about it.  Except when they have experienced the same or similar injury or have had a major trauma, adults will approach me and have a chat about the Halo, neck braces or whatever.

Yet conversely when dressed, it's the other way around.  The kids aren't bothered.  Or more likely, they don't notice.  It's the adults who look twice and may stare for a bit.  Obviously as they are adults, they are aware they are staring!!  There's also my awareness of gossip when my back is turned.  Or is that just my paranoia? :-)

What I don't get when dressed is the inquisitive chat.  There's interaction with people naturally, but if I see someone regularly looking at me, maybe trying to work me out, I would rather they approach me and have a chat.  To me, it's quite positive to spread the T message.  Not to specifically sign up new followers as it were, but to dispel pre-conceptions and make people comfortable with us, wherever we are on the T-spectrum.

I have noticed that people see an air of vulnerability when they spot me in the Halo, which I believe leads them to be sympathetic to my current situation.  There's a seriousness about their demeanour to me.  However, I believe I feel more vulnerable when in T-mode and yet there is no sign of sympathy (don't need it anyway) or empathy (which I could do with sometimes) from the general public.  Acceptance, yes.  Sometimes I could do with a little more than acceptance though. :-)

Finally, get something off my chest.  Lots of friends and other people I've met in my broken state have said how brave I am.  I may have been occasionally brave at past competitive events and can be quite tough but with regards to the Halo and my injuries, I am not brave.  Now going out as a bloke dressed as a woman, interacting with the world.  That is what I call brave.  It is the scariest thing I do.